Outside Inside

I had an interesting thought this weekend...I was thinking about my life as a religious Jew and what that means to the world today.  If I were born into the world of my grandparents, and great grandparents - I would find myself in Russia, a place where being a Jew was not something you wanted the world to know about.  If you practiced Judaism, you did it in the safety of your own home, amongst only your family.
Alas, I was not born into that world, but a quite different one.  I was born into a world post emigration into America.  My world is one where everything started and still is about Americanization.  How can we fit in more and more and even more?  I was born into a world where practices of the past seem silly and outdated and go mostly ignored.
And now, at the age of 26, I find myself sinking further and further into the past.  I chose not to buy into the American "dream" (but not in the sense of having a white picket fence) but rather pursue a different path than my parents intended.  I've spent the last few years learning about a culture forlorn and forgotten by my family - looking into our roots, our traditions.  What I've found is really beyond the scope of this blog, but I will say it was worthwhile to change my life for.
Here's where I think it gets interesting...back in Russia, it was forbidden to practice Judaism outwardly.  NOW - I live in a world where it is no longer taboo or forbidden in public, but shunned instead from the inside.  We have tried so hard to separate ourselves from our painful past, that we no longer remember why we are still running.  I propose that we stop and re-evaluate.

Brainwashed and Fanatical...

A little about the title of this blog....since my husband asked me to elaborate.

A lot of people hear the word "orthodox Jew" and think "brainwashed and fanatical..."  

Maybe having lived on both sides of the religious divide...and knowing what both sides have to offer, makes the choice I made about how I live my life seem fanatical...yes, I agree.  

But about this brainwashed business...Since when is knowing more called brainwashed?  I don't mean to boast, and in saying this, I realize, I am basically admitting to boasting, BUT...lets examine the situation here.  Unlike many secular (non-practicing Jews), I took it upon myself to learn something about what Judaism is all about.  And no I did not turn to the very American and new born reform movement which offers the easy way out for Jews to feel Jewish without actually doing anything really commitmental (thats not a word and this is a run-on sentence like whoa, I know).  And no, I did not turn to the conservative synagogue (which is btw, a greek word for what Jews call Shul), because the conservative movement is a modified version of orthodoxy.  I felt iffy about a modified Judaism... Each conservative synagogue does something differently, which, to me, does not scream truth.  So for the truth, I turned to the original: Orthodox Judaism.  Orthodox has such a negative connotation really, so I think for the purpose of this post, I will call it classical Judaism.  The unobstructed Judaism that our ancestors have been practicing and living for generations is what I chose to examine when questions about what is Judaism really about sprang up in my head.

So...I did what would be considered the normal thing to do when one has questions.  I researched and talked to the people who were practicing Orthodox Jews.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't go down without a fight.  I came into the Aish Center (http://www.aishcenter.com/) on the Upper West Side with a feeling of superiority.  I knew that what they thought they knew was ridiculous.  Ha. 

After a year of questioning and watching from the sidelines, I decided, enough watching and time for more doing.  I decided to take a year long hiatus and see what all the hype was about.  Where better to learn about Judaism than in the land of our ancestors: Israel??  So I went to seminary.  As scary as the name may sound, since seminary is also the word priests use for the place they go to learn about their religion, it was not.  Seminary is a place women go to learn about Judaism.  A lot of orthodox girls go after high school for a year, and than there are those like me, who are simply Jews looking to learn something about who they are.  

I spent the year in seminary learning everything.  From the traditions and their origins, to how and why Jews pray.  It was mind boggling.  How could all of this unbelievable information exist in the world, and be so hidden away at the same time.  

Now going back to my original question about being brainwashed...  Could/ should one who chose to educate themselves be called brainwashed?  I think prior to knowing anything about Judaism, and believing all the horrible misconceptions that Jews have today, would be called brainwashed.  

Freedom...

It's Pesach!!!  One of the most observed holidays among Jews from all walks of life, observant or not.  Most everybody keeps at least one facet of the holiday.   Whether its not eating bread for the week, or having a seder with the family, whatever it is...at least this once (or twice...) in the year, ALL Jews, no matter who, are doing something similar at the same time.  Now considering it is thousands of years since the first Pesach ever in history, I think this, in itself, is truly a miracle.

But even beyond the amazingness that is the unity between Jews, there is still something even more amazing about this time of year.  There is a re-birth happening all around.  It is the beginning of spring.  Greenery is popping up all around us.  From within, Pesach preparations are underway (or by now underwent).  The crumb hunting has forced us to let go of a lot of junk accumulated during the year.  The fridge is finally cleared of all that "I feel bad throwing it out" food.  Everything is (or should have been) washed, couches taken apart and vacuumed, kitchen scrubbed through and through.  There is a freshness all around.  This year, we had massive rain storms to really wash things out, to boot.

There is also a kind of nervousness associated with this time of year, I think.  There are so many things we hoped to accomplish by this point in the year.  There is a sense that we want to start feeling free already.  Free of winter cold, free of the junk accumulated, free of shorter darker days, free of old deadlines, unfulfilled promises to ourselves, free to let some light and warmth in already...!

And of course...accordingly, within the Jewish paradigm, this is exactly what we should be feeling!  After all, we have a major deadline that we do have to meet: Pesach.  By Pesach, we should be ready to attain this "freedom" both in the literal and figurative sense.  On the literal side, our house should be completely chametz (bread) free...all leavened products of any sort disposed of.  And on the more figurative side, we should snap out of winter hibernation mode and begin prepping for a very intense (if you let it be) experience.

An article titled "Finding Freedom" by  Slovie Jungreis-Wolff puts it better than I ever could:
The holiday carries incredible spiritual energy. It is not only the physical chametz that we must get rid of and burn. If we want to genuinely experience the freedom that Passover brings, we begin by eradicating the negative traits that have weighed us down. Our ‘spiritual chametz’ are the flaws that have damaged our relationships and hindered us from connecting with others and with God. We are charged with searching through the nooks and crannies of our hearts and being totally honest with ourselves:
Am I self centered? Am I unforgiving? Am I sarcastic and negative? Am I easily angered?
Our bodies are homes to our souls. Passover brings us strength and opportunity to clean out and start fresh.
Aaahhhh....freedom...how sweet it is.  

"And on the Sabbath, the iPhones Shall Rest"

Interesting New York Times article about "Keeping the Sabbath"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/18/fashion/18sabbath.html

More than the article itself, I liked that the article about keeping the "Sabbath" was placed in the fashion section.  Is it in mode to be Shabbos observant these days....?   

Homemaker vs. Feminist

So, I've been feeling a bit under the weather due to a minor surgery I had recently. My husband has been amazing. He hasn't let me lift a finger for 2 weeks now. I'm talking no laundry, no dishes, or other piles that are slowly building up around our apartment. I didn't realize how much of a homemaker I've become in the last year until I wasn't allowed to do anything around the house anymore. I'm just aching to do dishes and laundry and clean clean clean. Pesach is coming!!!

The question I have to ask myself though, since I never really was much of a neat freak, is: Am I just aching to clean because I can't? I hope that isn't the case, because that eliminates the theory that I've grown so much into the role of wife-keeper-of-house-etc... Once upon a time that kind of title would have left me fuming. I would be horrified at the very idea of being called a "homemaker." However, besides becoming religious, a different reality has dawned upon me after being married for almost a year. If I don't do it, who will? Furthermore, I like a clean house. Beyond even that, I like to make my husband happy by keeping a clean house. When the house is clean, he is grateful and I am grateful that he is grateful. Thus, good feelings all around.

This is where I can't help but relate all this to the sage wisdom Judaism supplies us with. No matter how much I used to believe women should empower themselves by shedding traditional roles, its just so much easier and more fulfilling to give in! I love my role as a Jewish woman. I am better at it than my husband will ever be. My husband is better at his role than I will ever be.

One more quick note: My husband has also been doing all the cooking for the last couple of weeks. I love his cooking, but I'm so glad that we mutually agree that I will be the main cook in the family. Yes, we had a discussion, and there is an agreed non-equality in our kitchen. I get first dibs at cooking and even when he does cook, he downplays his role and gives me most of the credit for it. I miss having control over what goes on in my kitchen so much....yes, the feminist that I once called myself is very much gone. Thank G-d for that!

A great Aish article about the gender role differences by Tzippora Heller, one of my mentors:
Men and Women: A Jewish View on Gender Differences

Opinionated...

I hear the word "opinionated" a lot from people I am close to.  I am.  I have strong convictions in what I believe in, and I can generally back up what I am saying.  Generally.  For the last few years, there has really been only one hot topic that I've debated with many about: Judaism.  It is such a central point in my life.  I find myself relating anything and everything to it.  The funny thing is, my husband is exactly the same way.  Sometimes I wonder if our secular family and friends ever hear anything out of our mouths that does not in some way or another pertain to Judaism.

I remember when I was still in the process of growing, I didn't want to be one of those religious people who couldn't talk about anything besides religion.  The thing is - back then, it was just another religion.  To this day I still have a negative association when I hear the word "religion" or "religious."  I think about the bible belt and people preaching about the devil, among other weird images.  I think archaic and outdated.  I think people who are brainwashed and fanatical, and further, not very smart.

Judaism, yiddishkeit, is not that.  I want to remove it from the category of religion and put it into its very own category.  There are religions, and there is Judaism.

There are so many different ways to be a Jew.  There is so much more to Judaism than one can perceive from the outside.  Judaism is about learning, about self discovery, spiritual connection with a higher being, family, self improvement.  It isn't about keeping kosher or dressing in a certain way - those are just means to an end.  Its about a deeper connection to something beyond ourselves.